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finally out's Journal

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

12:33AM - this started out as an aim profile on the sn most people who i've lost touch with have.

everything changes.

i was going through my old binder from junior high..i'd completely forgotten about it. before opening it back up and reading the hundreds of notes i'd saved and looked through my old year books...i hated who i was then: popular, superficial, hateful, explosive, confused...blah blah blah.

and then i read the notes and remembered friends from so long ago and the acceptance i was finally getting right towards the end of eighth grade...

and i miss it.

i always said i wasn't myself then..always playing the role that i thought i should..and how i'm so glad i'm finally "me"

but i'm still the same.
and i'm not quite sure if that's "me" or "not me"

cuz, i guess, i never really knew "me"

the only difference is that i'm popular to a different crowd, playing the role with a slightly altered image.
cuz, goddamn am i hip with my thrift store clothes, uneven hair and lipring.

but at least..i can kind of see now. at least, a little bit.
i know it's not where i am but who i'm with.
i know the grass is never greener
i know that it's never worth the fight

i admit that all my "philosophies" were made up, ever-changing, and based on what those around me wanted to hear
i admit that i think i'm pretty and was never self-conscious about my looks, i was just fishing for compliments.
i admit i have an eating disorder
i admit i need therapy
i admit that my stupid saying of "i never regret anything blah blah blah"(please imagine me saying that in the MOST annoying, mimic-y voice) was ridiculous..because at this point and time..i regret EVERYTHING because it has led me to where i am, and, no, i don't like where that is.
but..at the same time i still don't because i still believe what has happened is supposed to happend, and all that shit as well.

and i admit i lied.

everything was ok, and then it wasn't, and then it was, and then it wasn't...and..do we see a pattern here?

i admit i manipulate people
i admit i'm grossly jealous and competitive
i admit i hate people who are anything like the parts of me i hate
i admit i'm mean and malicious for no reason
i admit i want attention
i admit i want to be admired and loved by all

i admit, even while trying to get rid of all this, i have some "oh poor me" feelings while writing this.

but not very many, honestly.

normally, i'd get to this point and hate myself and hurt myself.
but i don't and am not.

because i really am starting to barely see who this "me" is.
but dont' take that as i'm on the brink of some huge breakthrough with self-identity or something

i'm not
at all

i'm still just as fucking horrible and crazy as i've always been.

but i'm trying not to lie about it anymore.

and, yes, i know there's plenty in me for people to love, too.

but those aren't the areas i need improvement on, so i'm not focusing on that.

and now i'm rambling.
i guess i just started some random-ness about how remembering eighth grade made me feel..and it sort of led to so many things that have been in my head these past couple months

i prayed tonight..first i sang songs from sunday school that i taught myself to play on the piano. and just as i was saying how i needed to start trusting God, my phone rang.

i didn't recognize the number, so i didn't pick up.
and as soon as it stopped ringing, i realized how dumb that was...and, yes, i'm psychotic, but i think it was an answer from God.

i just hoped they'd leave a voicemail.
they did.

i just want everyone to know, and , yes, i konw i've done this before, but, God help me, maybe i can make it work somehow this time.

but, anyway.

i just want everyone to know..well..i'm not even sure.

but i wanted it to be public.
i'm tired of hiding.
what do i care what people say about me? i mean..i do. but i shouldn't. and maybe i should just quit doing shit that i wouldn't be proud of people knowing anyway..or..something.

i don't know.

i'm just tired of being such a bitch. and i'm tired of being unhappy. and i'm tired of pushing people away.
i realized this week that i've only felt like i've let one person get to know all of me..and they hate me.
and whether that's "really me" or not is irrelevant..it's who i was to that person, and it's not fair to keep abusing someone and expect them to keep coming back for more.

someone i claim to hate, but really don't, said something along the lines of this, even though this is my own little interpretation to be directed at me:
you can hate where you are and what's going on and who you're with and your job and EVERYTHING..and you can leave and change friends and jobs and hairstyles and mold and fake and pretend your way to happiness..but you can't runaway from yourself, and no matter what's going on around you, that's the only thing that's making you unhappy.

i still have all these terrible traits and habits..but..i think (almost?) losing 3 people i love is the final straw.
i can't go through life in a manner that is going to cause the only people i truly love to go away.

and i can't keep going through this turbulent cycle of ok, not ok, ok, not ok, ok, not ok..

because i know i don't have a goddamn person to blame for that but me.

i think, ultimately, what this long, jumbled, rambly mess is trying to say:
i'm just tired of the hate.

Comments: 17 soliloquys - perform your piece.

Wednesday, September 4, 2002

4:17PM - it all comes at one time or another, eh?

sooo..this will be my last post. at least for quite some time now.
no big deal, just is.

i have email and a cell phone..sooo..if you need an update..get a hold of me that way.

it's just too inconvenient for me now with the way things are..plus..there are too many people out there who i don't want knowing what's going on with me anymore..probably years of small town/state bullshit built up.

it's just really annoying to have people you dislike/know very little knowing your business..complete strangers..whatever..good friends...of course..but the rest..they'll just bitch and gossip and lie and obsess over it.
it's annoying.

so that's reason number two.


i'm off.

just in case you have one last pang of curiousity..things all fell into place officially the last couple of days ..and it feels so wonderful to be home, welcome, and loved. i'm doing really super fabulously well..i just wish ian would call again because i hate calling his work and that's where he always is. other than that..everything is..well..pretty perfect, actually. i know it won't stay this way..it never does..but i'm sure going to fucking enjoy it while it is and do whatever i can to hold on to it.

like stop playing with this thing.
it was fun while it lasted..but this book is done..my first semester of college and the summer after.

not bad, eh?..i mean..at least it had a happy ending.

Current mood: happy
Comments: 3 soliloquys - perform your piece.

Tuesday, September 3, 2002

2:38PM - and..i'm back.

yay for stuff.

i flew in last night..left baltimore around noonish..martin and justin came to say goodbye to me..marriel was at a soup kitchen..and lena drove me, of course...

i contemplated on the flight home if i was actually going to take the time to update ten days jammed full of wonderful happenings..with a few minor uh..problems (hehe)..in between.

during this pondering..i had on the get up kids something to write home about..i listened to it all the way from baltimore to seattle..including the two brief stops in between..

after about the millionth time through the cd..i decided that an update on what went on wasn't really necessary when a song would replace such an update nicely.

Long way from home,
lost by an echo I'd never have known.
I've got pictures to prove I was there,
but you don't care.
Here's me overseas,
across the pond by the Dover peaks.
I've smuggled myself into new nationalities,
you think you'd be proud of me.
There's room to believe,
out of mind,
out of sight,
out of reach.
Start over is no way to begin.

*The Get Up Kids--Out Of Reach*

Current mood: accomplished
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

10:19PM - woo frickin hoo buddy.

i just transfered my ticket from leaving tomorrow morning to leaving next week..yay!!! tuesday..almost an extra week...i love being here with my lena.

that's all i have time for.

i wish i would've moved here instead of tacoma. but oh well...mmmmaybe later?

i love you too stevie. you're the bestest. i wish i could come up to new jersey..but i don't have a car.
but you're still awesome.


Current mood: drunk
Comments: perform your piece.

10:19PM - woo frickin hoo buddy.

i just transfered my ticket from leaving tomorrow morning to leaving next week..yay!!! tuesday..almost an extra week...i love being here with my lena.

that's all i have time for.

i wish i would've moved here instead of tacoma. but oh well...mmmmaybe later?

i love you too stevie. you're the bestest. i wish i could come up to new jersey..but i don't have a car.
but you're still awesome.


Current mood: drunk
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

8:40AM - not like anyone's reading..but just in case, i suppose.

sooo...i had to get up and out of lena's room super early today..room inspection's and such.

so now i'm sitting in the upstairs tv/computer room watching news radio (woo!!) and trying to do some internet things on this ghetto computer.

but i can't

only lj works..which is an odd thing to work out of everything..i can't get into any email nor can i log onto wells fargo banking..which i really need to do..

maybe i'll go find me a library when i go downtown today?

i'm still having an AMAZING time...i can't even begin to update everything that's happened..my oh my...i might stay here until tuesday. i need to talk to the apartment people, though.

so now to try some more things to get into my email/bank account..since..well..

a new start, right?

and a complete one. very soon.

Current mood: annoyed
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

Saturday, August 24, 2002

1:14PM - what a time, oh what a time!

i've been having SUCH a blast in dc..it's on a bit of a hold right now because of surprise military reasons..which i'll explain in a bit..but for now the very brief update..

got in late thursday night..spent friday seeing some of the sights..the monuments, downtown dc, etc and then friday night drinking margaritas and hanging out with some of lena's friends ..very fun..

today..they had an all-hands muster (everyone in the guard had to get in full utilities and meet at 7:30). rumors that were flying around had something to do with president reagan dying and having a fly away team ready..but lena knew it was probably just for something like a health and wellness (where they have everyone in the guard building so they can search the barracks for booze, drugs, um...non-guard members staying there *ahem*).

turns out it was a surprise (yay!) urinalysis..the plan was for me to get up when she left..clean up any traces of me staying in the barracks..go watch tv in the upstairs tv room in case they were searching her room..and then we were going to go to the museums.

Current mood: hungry
Comments: perform your piece.

1:08PM - what a time, oh what a time!! (part 2 because lj is dumb and won't let me post it all in one post)

the ORIGINAL plan was to go to virginia beach and king's dominion (a theme park) ...but the muster this morning ruined that.

so when lena found out it was a urinalysis..she called and told me they had some movies--tessa style (bootlegs)--and it was ok if i came and watched them with her and her friends since no one can leave until everyone is done and it could take a while...

so everyone got done and we had watched signs (oh. my. god.) and master of disguise (eh..had it's funny parts..very cheesy) and they were called for another muster downstairs.

so i started watching road to perdition (really good so far) and some guy came up to say lena was in lock down (he asked if i was nancy..haha).

then lena came up..and informed me that lock down was where everyone has to stay in one room (she's really well liked and has a lot of responsibility/rank around here so they let her leave to come talk to me) until people admit to smoking pot.
i don't get why they just don't say so..they just had a urinalysis for pete's sake.

and now i'm stealing a bit of internet time when i don't hear anyone in the hall...but lena keeps sending people up here to make sure i have enough movies and entertainment..hehe.

and a very cute boy keeps coming in to get papers and stuff...yay cute boy.

sooo...that's the stuff..i doubt i'll have time to update again before i leave with the smithsonian, the monuments, the memorials..my goodness!! not to mention new york, virginia beach..too much to do!

unless, that is, there are some more fun detainments brought to me especially by the United States Navy Ceremonial Guard..hehe.

Current mood: ecstatic
Comments: perform your piece.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002

11:42PM - tonight was/is wonderful/beautiful/perfect.

tgi fridays for dinner and meeting a tessa..aww..pretty tessa.

much fun was had.
muuuuuuuuch fun..as is always had with the tessa, ian, and i...cuz she finds our mindless bickering and banter amusing.
go figure.

then taping..and apparently, you can't video tape inside safeway..the mr. cranky face who's been working there since 1974 informed us of that.

and then later, when i went back in to actually take home the things we bought..he practically through our plastic bag at me...cranky ass jerk face.

and then there was lots of just hanging out and giggling and goodness.

and jonas is still mother fucking crazy.

and ian is still talking about his camera...what a dork..he's actually reading the manual..

i just make fun because i'm jealous

tomorrow i will be on my way to see my pretty lena in dc!!!!!!
can i get a woo mother fucker?

Current mood: hap-hap-happy!
Comments: 2 soliloquys - perform your piece.

4:42PM - or she does. whatever

He could have tuned in, tuned in, but he tuned out.
A bad time, nothing could save him.
Alone in a corridor, waiting, locked out.
He got up outta there, ran for hundreds of miles.
He made it to the ocean, had a smoke in a tree.
The wind rose up set him down on his knees.

A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw.
Delivered him wings, "Hey, look at me now!"
Arms wide open with the sea as his floor.
He's flying whole...high...wide...

He floated back down cause he wanted to share
This key to the locks on the chains he saw everywhere.
But first he was stripped, and then he was stabbed
By faceless men...the fuckers...he still stands.

And he still gives his love, he just gives it away.
The love he receives is the love that is saved.
And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky,
A human being that was given to fly.
I'm flying...high....flying...
He's flying...high...

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Current mood: rushed
Comments: perform your piece.


The waiting drove me mad. You're finally here and I'm a mess.
I take your entrance back. Can't let you roam inside my head.

I don't want to take what you can give.
I would rather starve than eat your bread.
I would rather run but I can't walk.
Guess I'll lie alone just like before.

I'll take the firmest path, and I must refuse your test.
Push me and I will resist. This behavior's not unique.

I don't want to hear from those who know.
They can buy but can't put on my clothes.
I don't want to limp for them to walk.
Never would have known of me before.

I don't want to be held in your debt.
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed.
I'm already cut up and half dead.
I'll end up alone like I began.

Everything has changed. Absolutely nothing's changed.
Take my hand, not my picture. Spilled my tincture.

I don't want to take what you can give.
I would rather starve than eat your bread.
All the things that others want for me,
Can't buy what I want because it's free.
Can't buy what I want because it's free.
Can't be what you want because I'm...

It's supposed to be just fun.
To live and die...let it be done.
I figure I'll be damned, all alone like I began.

It's your move now.
I thought you were a friend but I guess,
I... I guess I hate you.

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Current mood: irritated
Comments: perform your piece.

Monday, August 19, 2002

10:31PM - Norm Dicks.

well, that's been said about a hundred times today by ian and me.
it's the name of some guy who's running for us congress..

there's also a "buttorff"...hehe..we're so immature.

we had loads and loads of fun today..with minimal irritability!
woo for us.

tess should be home from work soon..woo for tessa.

i'm going to watch the zoo video with ian now..tata!

Current mood: giddy
Comments: perform your piece.

4:44PM - we're in!!

finally..inside la casa de tessa y brandon...
we caught brandon before he left for work and he said to just hang out in his room if we wished..
tess and brandon are so hospitable to poor homeless people like me..;)

the zoo was really cool, like always..we got some really neato footage on tape too!

yay for cameras..i want one so bad now.

you know what i don't want, though?


stupid fucking kids..there were a million at the zoo (no, i wasn't surprised, just annoyed) with their stupid parents who couldn't teach them any decent manners or even something as basic as look where you're going so you don't run into people..


lol..and i also found it very amusing that next (RIGHT next) to the "petting zoo" with the farm animals and such..and not too far from the aquarium...was an eatery...complete with chicken burgers, ham sandwiches and fish burgers.

i find that disgusting..even if i wasn't not eating meat i think i would..seriously.

and all the birds wandered around..so there were some chickens wandering around the sitting area where people were eating..chicken..

i kept calling to this one rooster and telling it that it needed to come over here because ian wanted to put it on his sandwich.

ok..we're going to bring my stuff in now. whee?

and as a side note, i decided what i'm going to do about the snooping problem i'm having...and still have my anonymous kids be able to see..i'll do that when i have some time after my vacation.

and i'm out.
for now

Current mood: hungry
Comments: perform your piece.

1:31PM - *rolls eyes*


ian and i are going to the zoo!!
i love the pt. defiance zoo and aquariumm....it's really really pretty..and the beluga whales always make me think of elena..

i can't wait to watch all the stuff we've shot..we replayed a few parts..and they're pretty damn funny.
i'll have to have that boy make some copies for me..

yes indeed.

i still smell bad..but, hey, whatcha gonna do? i know i'm still pretty on the side..sometimes..;)

things are all charged up..and dead man was ..uh..weird? to say the least? we decided to turn it off when we saw one of the guys eating a cooked hand/arm..that's just gross.

LOL..ian's playing the beginning of the second tape..on his laptop and on his camera..and the sound is off by a few tenths of a second..and it sounds WEIRD!

yay..i love this so much..i'm going to have to get a camera soon..i love remembering things way too much..seriously..i can't believe i haven't thought about saving up for one yet..goodness.

i'm the best camera man ever..hahahahahahahha.

and sleater-kinney rocks.

ok..enough randomness..off we go!

Current mood: geeky
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

12:21PM - well..i'm here!

yay for stuff..i'm in my lovely ups library..the bestest prettiest library EVER..

ian and i got to tacoma around 10-ish this morning..we slept at a rest stop last night..it was fun..

we taped random parts of the drive up and then bought three more tapes for the trip...i'm a movie star!

i hope to see a tessa soon..i miss that girl..
we're charging things up, watching johnny depp's first movie, dead man, and i'm catching up on my internet addiction..

elizabeth emailed me! there's one for not caring if i take my kitty and let the family stay labor day weekend..

just three more to go.

i almost got my hair cut..i think i'll do that soon.

i'm gonna talk to lena about getting our matching sister tattoos for each other's birthdays while i'm in dc..

also..she's giving me a BLENDER..anyone who knows me knows how excited that makes me..

ok enough of this..
later gater.

Current mood: bouncy
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

3:31PM - ian's on his way. finally.


Current mood: excited
Comments: 1 soliloquy - perform your piece.

2:48PM - sooo..

i should be gone..but ian got detained at work..aaahh..well, i should have expected as much..

i can't believe how much stuff i have.

i came home with one box mailed to me of clothes, the black messenger bag, the white smaller one, and my black duffel bag..all stuffed full..

now i'm leaving with (everything crammed and packed to the absolute fullest) five boxes of stuff/clothing, the black bag, the white bag, the two purses scott and jess got me this summer (both pretty big..between the size of the white and black bags), my bass, the stuff ian made me while he was in ceramics that was too big to take last time, my garbage-can-shaped laundry basket, my rose from my cooks (now dried), and my huge card.

*goes to check if that's it*

oh yeah, and my blue fuzzy blanket (that's actually lena's ;-) ) that i brought back from school, also.

at least this time i feel like i'm really getting all i want..yee haw.

i just wish i could get on the road.
soon enough, i suppose.

Current mood: ready
Comments: perform your piece.

12:36PM - i'm a loner dottie, a rebel. tguk.

come tomorrow i'll be on my way back home
in the morning call from a roadside telephone
one night doesn't mean the reast of my life
if i go it's not impossible but possible is probably wrong
so, let go because i'm afraid to try
i'll keep myhands by my side
i won't come back
i hope someday you'll understand i want to try
and make it right but dont' know if i can
last night everything was right and the reain was gone
one summer night's the only time we've known
so, shut your eyes and when you wake i'll be gone

Comments: perform your piece.

12:32PM - sssoooo..my last day in idaho..

there are things i will miss.
there are things that i will never think of again..at least not without shuddering..
there are things i hope are part of my life even though i'm not coming back to live.
and there are things (especially some people-type things) i'd hope will never forget me..even if they don't keep in touch.

good-bye idaho. you have entirely too many good people here for how shitty you are. i hope they get out soon.

Current mood: very mixed
Comments: 2 soliloquys - perform your piece.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

9:38PM - aahh..the family.

so i hung out with my mom and dad. we went to frosty's to eat and then to eric and christa's..

and on the drive home..my mom and dad mentioned something interesting about my siblings and i as babies (we were talking about how garrison will probably walk before he crawls)

all of us were walking before nine months..which is early, they say, i don't know...but we all had our different modes of transportation..
eric--crawled then walked
scott--rolled everywhere then learned to walk
ellen--did the get up on all fours and rock back and forth then lurch forward onto her face, and then get up on all fours and repeat..then she eventually walked
me--i just walked.. none of that pre-stuff..i wanted to just do it the right way or not do it at all..

knowing my siblings and myself the way i do..i was really interested to learn that because it fits along so well with all our personalities and such...

and then we got to talking about debbie sevy...haven't ever really talked about her death with dad.

it was a nice talk.

i still miss her a lot.

and now i need to go pick up scott and then call vance. yay for stuff.


Current mood: contemplative
Comments: perform your piece.

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